刚刚上网看了一篇短篇漫画，它归类在少女爱情漫画，但是一点都不少女，一点都不浪漫。故事里两个主角是夫妻，男的很笨拙，女的就是那种在家洗衣煮饭，偶尔兼差到7-eleven那种便利店做工的女子。漫画里说，结婚，不是恋，不是爱，而是一种生活。平平淡淡，粗茶淡饭，日子就那样过。
很像在形容我吧，虽然没一起生活，但也是就那么平平淡淡。再过三个月我就要结婚了，尼玛，日子怎么那么快。要跟一个挑食，又喜欢乱丢东西的男子一起生活，我怕我会家暴啊。一辈子啊，你以为简单吗。老实说，我有些害怕会不会有一天就那么样闷掉了。会不会有一天心累了，会不会有一天我回娘家不想回自己的家了。会不会，会不会。不是我对自己没信心，也不是对萧先生没信心，而是明天的事，谁能知道呢。我也曾经对一个人说过我会永远爱他，不管发生什么事，我都会爱他一辈子。那么，现在呢？
人的永远太短暂，人的心看见得太浅短。除了天父的爱，又有谁可以100%（100%噢，一点都不能少）肯定自己可以永远爱？如果你能，恭喜你，你不是像白纸一样纯洁，就是你遇到的都是好人，再不然就是你还没结婚你们不住在一起。科科。不是我太过现实，而是我看见了你看不到的东西，我看见了人的不完美。
很多时候在我需要他陪伴的时候，他不在。可能是长时间的累积，工作，侍奉，家人，朋友，到了情绪满出来的时候，往往都找不到人。而偏偏，那段情绪满出来的时段，都只是那短短的几分钟。几分钟后，看到信息，我已经不需要了。这就是平淡吗。
我觉得，不论是哪一种性格，每个女子都希望有个人会为了她赴汤蹈火。就想如果我杀了人，我希望萧先生会带着我逃亡，而不会是陪着我去自首。虽然理智是自首是最对的，但是也不免会如此期待。在某种形式上，他时为了我赴汤蹈火的。花了那么多钱买了房子，宁愿每个月做外面的租客，留下他整间房子给我住，就因为我快睡天桥底了。辛辛苦苦的血汗钱，买了那么贵的苹果机给我，就因为觉得它是最好的。
真的，如此地被珍惜。但是我却不一样。是的，在他一无所有的时候，我选择了他。一路走来，从无到有，我们分享了那么多的时光。但是我终究保留了一些，留下一些所谓的后路给自己。后路是希望如果哪一天我们变了，至少我不会体无完肤，至少世界还会剩下那么一小块是没有他的。我每次都说不到最后不会知道，也许这句话有小小地伤害了他一下，但是他不免也赞同。
不到最后，谁会知道呢？
好吧，别那么消极，世界还是美好的。
♛
Update
hey peepo! its Saturday again. time flies right? i can still remember vividly myself whining about passed Monday the moment i woke up on Monday morning. still, everyday is just another day closer to the end of internship :D
i guess im too inactive in social media that its actually forgivable that some dont remember theres a person as me already. life is dull. i dont have much entertainment, unless if you consider working and going to church as entertainment. i dont see many ppl, apart from my colleagues inevitably, and the only person i see constantly every day, it is not because we go out dating or something like that, its because we go to work together lol.
we hardly date. we dont have time to date. he doesnt have time to date.
i dont know if there are any more ppl out there besides me, who actually thinks that she owns the best boyfriend in the world lol, but i actually do. he will give me everything, even before he owns anything. i mean, where on earth can you find a guy like this?! still, nobody is perfect. he is too busy, so busy that his weekend schedule is already full straight down until March. /.\ jin sad.
he hardly has time to go even for a 2 hours movie like he actually did have last Saturday. he had the whole afternoon and we went to church to help out on the Christmas card making. i was a little bit disappointed because he initially promised me that we would go for shopping that afternoon, right after the visitation to the newborn, Jordan. OKAY LAH, i admit, i was very disappointed, but what to do? church event was really lacked of manpower. so we gave.
i was disappointed, i was not furious. thats the main tricky thing to have a busy boyfriend. you cant get furious because you have no reason to get furious. he has reasons to be busy, not excuses. he has to, needs to, must be somewhere else, even though at the moment you need him too to be by your side. strange little world. and then he will leave me, bits by bits, disappointment each time, and its not fading until eventually, i stop hoping.
only God knows how hard it is to fight down the feelings. you are disappointed, but you need to swallow it down and be understanding. not once, not twice, this happens again and again, and it has no sign to stop.
i totally agree that a woman's life should not be totally occupied with only a man. she needs friends. i need friends. and i have friends. the only difference is that, my friends who can make the disappointment to go away, they are not around me. yes, they are all just a phone screen away, but that is exactly what makes the difference.
when i say, friends who can make the disappointment to go away, it doesnt mean that i will tell them the feelings. it means, we friends can hang out and have our own entertainment and bonding time to make boyfriends smaller. and with them not around me, i cant do so. and i dont like to bombard them with my very dark feelings that will actually alter theirs too. its a burden, to carry other ppl's feelings. havent you ever wondered why psychiatrist earn that much? lol.
im actually, seriously, jealous when i browse through Facebook, Instagram or Dayre, i saw ppl having fun. lol how sick am i!
lets just stop here. it will take the whole lot days for me to whine about this. i will go to JPO this evening, maybe. MAYBE. lets just hope this is not gonna to be another disappointment.
gotta go, i need to help boyfie to do his work. im not secretary Lim HAHAHAHA.
xoxo, until next time.
♛
i dreamt about you calling last night, saying things youve never said but i know you mean it.
and i remember myself saying thank you.
boys always see girls, especially their girlfriends, stupid and naive. undeniable.
but youre not.
youre smart, and we talked a lot, in my reverie.
things we will never ever, by any means, tell each other in real life.
real life is cruel, we have a lot to tell, way too much, yet we look at each other from far, keeping secrets from each other.
we are just trying not to hurt each other. so fragile. so afraid of losing.
there is this little land that we will not go.
i woke up, realizing everything is in vain. you did not call. we did not talk.
i guess i just miss you.
no word can even describe my feelings now.
♛
今天早上被电话铃声惊醒了。也罢，我不想再留在那个梦境中。做了一场我不知道要用什么形容词来形容的梦。
在梦中，我不知道参加了什么表演，散场了，我却一个人在路旁。我看着来来去去的车辆，看着茫茫的人潮，我只想回家。我拨了他的号码，嘟嘟声，但是在电话还没接起的时候，我听到了两个男子的对话。
［我该怎么告诉她？］［就如实告诉她啦，你现在没空。］
电话被接起了，但我却按了结束通话键。总是忙。
我静静的坐在路旁椅子上，拨通了所有我手机里有的电话号码，耳边传来的总是嘟嘟声。电话通了，却没人接听。一个号码接着一个号码，眼泪在眼珠子里打转，我头低低的，用我的长发遮住了我的脸庞。人来人往，他们没时间给一个想回家的女子。拨遍了所有号码，只有一个，就一个号码有人接听。
［等我一下。］
我听到父亲的声音后，我眼眶的眼泪。。。
这时我就醒了。外面是一个很美好的早晨，而我却哭得稀里哗啦。
亲情，友情，爱情。
in another life.
"At the beginning Katy is seen as an old lady reminiscing the pastime with her lost love, portrayed by Diego Luna. The story progresses with how they have good times dancing and painting together and get matching wing tattoos (which were also shown on the old Katy and the boyfriend).
Towards the end they have a fight. He leaves her and gets into a lethal accident thinking about her. This beautiful yet saddening video ends with the old Katy standing at the cliffside thinking about the one that got away.
Awwwwwww that’s like continuation of Thinking Of You."
taken from another site :
♛
the last time i saw you was during new year time. you were still that gorgeous that lovely. i know i shouldnt be sad about you going back home, but my tears still overflow its a great great loss to lose you. i couldnt accept it and i questioned God why is it you. i bet i should be happy you are back to our almighty lord's arms and shall never shed tears again there. i was shocked, in grief i prayed that God would take care of you and we all know He will. i shall never see you again. the times that we shared were like dreams. so fast, so unexpected. its a shame to admit that ive not done my very best just to meet you up and that you were so busy with your life too. but you promised to meet up when we are back to sibu this december. why is it always december that sad memories flow and strike me like knives? i never want to lose you this way but i reckon God has his own plan. i love you and ill never ever forget you. rest in peace, rejoice your new born life.
♛
time to go back again. i swear i miss things here maybe i might seem like whatever. its really a waste for not going to kay elle during this raya season where there would be lots of 70% off advertisement in those stores. i could have shopped the whole day. but still, if time turns back and i got a chance to choose again, it would be the same. i love my friends *shy* they are simply fabulous. we shall meet again.
xiao jun i miss you all of the sudden /.\ maybe its because im going forth again. though we didnt hang out much this holiday where i spent most of the time drama-ing and sleeping. i miss shopping with you. so, please do visit me and lets rock singapore. i give you 4 years time, this offer stands until may 2014. hope to see you soon. very soon again.
ill be back =D
♛
有一天，魔鬼来到我的梦里。他是一个貌似人形也十分俊美的男子，我从来没想过魔鬼是这个样子，如此俊美，如此温柔。他带我到了他住的地方，金碧辉煌，充满阳光，家私摆设都像我的dream house。魔鬼都已经不再惧怕阳光。他要我和他住下，我要什么，试问他又有什么不能给我？
［不，你是魔鬼，不是吗？］
他笑了，连笑都那么悦耳，一样俊美，好像阳光，那么地刺眼，一点都不能和魔鬼扯上任何关系。
［魔鬼也曾经是个天使啊。］他轻抚我的脸庞，［一个那么年轻的女子，那么地坎坷。］
我不语，他没有错。但是我坚决不留下。
［我要留着你，怎样都要。］他的眼神由绿色变成了黑色，我想站起来离开，但在我之前，他已经从那柔软的沙发站了起来，他是那么地高，斜视望了我，带着邪恶的微笑，他走进了那个黑暗的房间。我的心征了一下，他邪恶的微笑好像我什么都会顺服他。我害怕，站了起来，转身要离开。就在我欲踏出我的第二步时，后面那扇门吱吱地打开了。
［荣华富贵不能让你留在我身边，我想这个应该能够让你留下。］
我自然地转过身，他手里抱着地是一个小婴孩，熟睡着，胖胖白皙的脸蛋，长得好健康。我不知道为什么，我潜意识告诉我那是我的孩子。
［我一向来都对自己的猜测很有信心的。］他漂亮的眸子又恢复到我最喜欢的绿色。
我留下了。魔鬼给了我很多。很多都是我心里想要的，渴望了好久的。他让我睡的房间，房间里的摆设我不记得了，但是床边有一扇很大的窗，玻璃是绿色的，外面的风景我也不记得了。记得的就只有那一扇窗。他每天晚上都会把门上锁，清晨在解锁。他的别墅后面有一片很大的草地，每一天阳光都是那么的猛烈，照亮了大地，但是我躺在草地上却觉得阳光没有现实中的晒，既然是好温暖好温暖。
［每一个女子都应该像对待公主般对待，因为他们真的是。］他的眸子还是绿色的。映着草地，更绿了。我不语，看着他，想的却是别的东西。我不快乐。
有一天清晨，我被吱吱开门声吵醒了。我眯起了眼，却没有起床。我望向那扇窗，我看到魔鬼那修长的身体还有他极其俊美的脸庞，他正静静的看着我。我没有睁开眼，隐隐约约看到他的微笑，邪恶的微笑，还有他变成了黑色的眸子。［你。。］眼前变得模糊，我想我又昏睡过去了。
我决定要离开。他俊美的脸庞充满了愤怒，却还是迷人。眸子更是深邃的黑色。我转身离开的时候，他歇斯底里，［我给你的，还是不够吗？］
他是如此地愤怒，我却心如止水。
［你给不了平安，给不了我只有天父能够给我的爱。］
［孩子呢？你又想抛下他吗？］我心中的那滩水泛起了一阵涟漪，但一下又静了。
［他正坐在天父的右脚上，被呵护着，被天父，天使，还有我，爱着。］我转过身，最后一次看着魔鬼的脸庞，由始至终都是那么地好看。
接着，我醒了。
真的是，南柯一梦。
