imperfections

I have a friend, shes making her decision whether to leave this lovely homeland for a 4 hours flight further new land, in where she sees where her dreams set. I admire her courage, I could have done the same, if I were her, if I were single. Single is the best time of your life to make life a life, a different one from what you have now. And shes seeing that now. I admire her, because she has a dream that she still holds on, after so many years that it all seemed as if it was impossible to come true. I never see myself, vividly, in any form, in any dream. I just let days passed, I have plans, but I never really let them convince me firm enough for me to give up anything for them.

You see, shes single, so people will think it is easier to make that decision. I kinda agree with them, you do whatever you want when you dont have your own family. No kids to worry, no spouse means you have one less person to spit discouragement on your face. However, they do forget, sometimes, parents. My friend is not like me. I am not that attached to my parents and siblings, she is. Shes the youngest, and with the big age gap between her sisters and her, it is inevitable. With daddy passed away when shes rather young, her youth days were filled with mama's overwhelming love and sisters' never ending cares. Not to mention nice aunts and uncles.

I believe, the moment she made that decision, some parts of her, somehow, she had already given them up. What are they? I dont know.

Leaving home like that is not easy. It was not easy for me 4 years ago for me to come here alone. It is then not easy, after 4 years of university life, settled down here, with friends made during that 4 years gone. Not gone gone, but no matter how good we are, I have to stare at my phone screen for them. Only my phone screen. It is very tough, to come here, trying to strive a new life here alone, with a very busy man and a must-be-considering heart. And when I feel like when I need the most, I am always on my own.

Nobody in this world can ever replace your family. We all know that, which is why when she told her mama about the decision, they couldnt help but feeling down. Parents are always there to back you up, but they are also always the two who feel lonely seeing you growing up.

What is life? Imperfections. You cant have both sun and stars at the same time.

Let Go - by Mun Yee

We’re lying in bed and he’s lying.

The signs are not as obvious as one might think; no lipstick smudge on his collar, or used condom in his car.

But I knew that another Goldilocks had been sleeping in my bed; sitting on my chair and dipping her finger into my porridge.

The signs aren’t obvious but lately, I noticed that;

during the nights when I map his familiar terrain, I knew that someone else had been there. I see the invisible marks that you’ve left behind, your temporary claim.

And I wonder where you went, what you did and if he liked it.

when I tell him that I love him and he merely echoes my words; like being alone in a cavernous hall, I hear myself bouncing off the walls, like dating a parrot.

He doesn’t look at me any more when we talk. Perhaps he’s afraid that his eyes might give you away.

His affection is rationed, his smile forced. And that slight recoil when I reach for him? I wish he had slapped me instead – it would hurt less.



The signs aren’t obvious; they are subtle, quiet.

But his hesitation, reluctance, and nonchalance are deafening.



He told me about you one night when we were both lying in bed.

Something about how you made him feel alive. The way you set him on fire with a well-timed touch and a careless whisper.

He said that I wouldn’t understand – but I did.

I knew exactly how you made him feel because that used to be me, until you.

He told me that he was sorry. I did not listen. I did not want his apology. I wanted him to want me.



I could’ve confronted you, call you up on that number he’d saved under a guy’s name. I could’ve threatened to burn your house down or kidnap your cat; I could’ve fallen to my knees and beg you to let him go.

But I won’t because I knew that it was a conscious choice.

You chose him though he belonged to another, it was his choice to succumb and this is mine to walk away.



So you don’t have to let him go.

I will.

We were taught our whole lives to hold on,

but it is equally as important to know when to let go.

This resonates so well. I read the comments, all of them. Obviously there are too many heartbreakers out there.
I still believe people do change, the good and the bad.
Meanwhile, sit back, toast, relax and wait.

Let Go - by Mun Yee

Red Bean

I do wonder, often, if you think of me sometimes.
When you smell a scent thats close to mine, when you hear laughters thats close to mine, when hear something I had ever mentioned to you.
If you have ever had the deja vu at some places, the only difference is that I am not there anymore with you.
I do not know if you feel lucky now that it is not me anymore, whining, laughing, teasing you.
Sometimes, I do wish we can talk again, like how we used to.
I am sorry that you were not there when I needed you the most.
I am sorry that I didnt understand when you needed me to understand.
Things will never be over.
Twisted, but not ended.
Until the day we can let down the pride, until the day we can talk about what we both lost, until the day we can wish each other so well.
Until the day, which is too far to be mentioned.
Dear friend, if only you still remember, I am always here.

Chin up, Mr. P!

I dont believe in karma, they may exist but if I dont believe it, it does not exist in my world. Be it karma or no karma, God is in absolute control. Dont you be afraid.

Friend, I dont know what else to say, maybe I will just let you talk. After all, it is your fight. You fight to find yourself back. You will feel better. We lots have walked your path, it will get better in the end, trust me. Wounds will heal, though it may leave scars, but it does cure. And you will feel numb, and you will be surprised of how happy you can be. You will be so surprised, you wont miss anything of now at all.

Dont be fooled by your emptiness, there is so much more room for happiness in you.

Just believe.

Work Life.

Sometimes, I cant help to just ignore ppl's thoughts. I know so well that we live in a world with some many kinds of ppl and none of us has the exact same thought or personality as the other one. None. Everybody is different. Sometimes you may think someone's taste and thoughts are so close to yours, but love, they are never identical. Am I the only one alone here who sometimes fathom, 这是什么世界？这样的人也有？, kinda thoughts?

I just read an article on GigaCircle this morning, talking about the differences between generations 70s, 80s and 90s. The article may not represent all 70s, 80s and 90s, but some, i cant help but to agree.

1. Work / Career
工作狂基本上都是70後的。
80後，拒絕加班！
90後：拒絕上班！

Time is ticking, I know this damn well. Sometimes I get the question and advices like, are you sure you want to start working this soon? Or, you won't be getting longer holidays once you start working! Or, you should just enjoy yourself and maybe at the meantime, looking for a job you really really like.

Dear friends, you are so damn right. I cannot agree more. Once I start working, I wont have so much holidays. I will have to look at the calendar every year to count how many public leaves I can have to plan for my vacations, getaways. Once I start working, I can barely enjoy myself because I am going to spend countless hours on work. Not to mention, life as a programmer. Its kinda like 24/7. That sounds awful! If so, can I just turn down the thoughts to not working until I find a job with interesting not cunning ppl around, higher pay, no OT, huge allowance and bonus, flexible time frame, minor workload and not stressful? Because that is the job I really really like. Can I? Can I? CAN I?!

I am 24, stepping so soon into 25. You can say I am still young, I have just graduated, take time to look into what I really like. No, I do not think I can even spare a few years more to relax and enjoy, before I start to think about how I am going to survive for the next 50 years. What are the 4 years spent in university for? To observe, to look, to know myself better. If you have missed it, start it now.

I am a fresh graduate. I graduated with nothing in my hand. I have nothing to prove of what I am capable of. We all were, at first. We are all at the same starting line. Take your time, spend a few years, you will see the differences between.

Do not regret.


2. FAMA sponsorship
70後有存款。
80後負債。
90後：我們有老爸！

We are all blessed when we are under their care. Love is something so wonderful that everyone would die for it. The first love we get ever since we were born is from our parents. And it is still lasting. And it will never end. I think it just makes my decision to leave home harder everytime i think of them.

I remembered myself being so depressed once, because I realized I couldnt give them anything at all. Every dime I owned that time, came from them. Every cent I spent, was their love. I was sucking them dry. I worked, earned a bit, in the end I realized I didnt even know where did I spend the earnings on. Its just gone. I gave them some of the earnings, but they paid for me indirectly tenth as much. Without realizing, without sense, without hesitation.

Do you pay for you meals at home?
Do you pay for the bed you lay on every night?
Do you pay for the clean and nice and comfy house of yours?
Do you pay for the wi-fi at home?
Do you pay for the air con bills, do you even know how much is it?
Do you pay for the nice shower everyday?
Do you pay for the loan on the car that you drive around everyday?

Then, I know it was inevitable, I know, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help. I was convinced to do my part well, as a student, as their child, let them have one less thing to worry about, me. And now, I know and I wake up. It is time, already.

帖撒罗尼迦后三章10节说：“若有人不肯做工，就不可吃饭！”
Bible teaches us too, we must work to live. Nobody gets free meals, nobody gets free.

I do not know if you have already found what you so called the work you really really like, and I know everybody is different. For now, just make a change. Stop wasting any more time, you dont really have so many years to spare anymore. For me, it is not wrong to switch between jobs, but it is I who dominate over my job, I make it the job I really really like, and not letting the job defines what I like.

Wake up, princess, there is no job as such I described above.

Also, I dont mean you must leave home or you must leave your parents' care, no, i dont mean so. Be responsible of your own life. You are what it matters, after all. Your parents dont live for you, as how you dont live for your children. 他们没义务打着朝九晚五的工作来养你。

Now, if you find this post offensive, this does not represent all. This is just my thoughts, and this is how I remind myself in case I got numb of the life in the next 20 years, I shall always know how I started enthusiastically at the first place.

I just wish I wont turn out to be another 草莓族，啃老族. Do you? Are you now? Will you?

Cool Kids

God makes things happen the way you can never imagine how.

Confidence plumped real low these few days as I am struggling tug of war with myself. I am learning new programming language, which I have never ever encountered before. I am not major in Software Engineering so I have to start every new language on my own. Digging, exploring, several times before I figure it out. There are some other factors like, family, friends coming back to town, church responsibilities, blahblahblah. I can hardly balance out my time for all of those and i feel like something is missing somewhere somehow. If you know me, I hardly am stressed over things, but when I do, its more than what you can take.

I put those feelings into my everyday prayer and devotion, seeking for His words, begging for more and more faith. I am only a human after all.

I also fail to find myself any person in mind, that would be the suitable one, someone to not judge, to not complain what I have now are just small matters, to understand those are fundamental to me, to only listen and let me talk.

and I always hate to let anyone down.

This thing in me, once in a while, I will need a period of time of my own. With God. Alone. I will shut myself down, completely, for a few days, until I feel better. Until I feel charged. Until I am once again bulletproof. Because I reckon I may break anyone I meet when I myself am broken inside.

I still believe in God's work. When I pray, things may not seem different to eyes, but something is already happening. I just know that, you just know that. I am waiting and experiencing, for more miracles and blessings and grace.

"I wish that I could be like the cool kids, 'cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in.

I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids." -- Cool Kids, Echosmith.

我心中歌利亚的脚步声

从前认为世界就只有那么大，那么大。每一天来来去去就那几个人。就那几个人，也就那么地珍惜，那么地害怕，那么地小心翼翼。不敢前进，不敢后退，不敢放手，亦不敢握紧。就那么几年，没进退，没放手，没握紧，却还是失去。一直埋怨自己为何不前进，为何不退一步，为何不放手，为何不紧握。为何到最后还是丢了。跌倒了，认为大家都好幸福，大家都比自己快乐。跌倒了，歌利亚的脚步声愈来愈大声，愈来愈靠近，自己愈来愈往墙角退，缩在一边，什么人靠近都不要。就那样，又过了一些年。

生命中，是真的有些人注定只是过客。一个，两个，三个，十个，五十个，一百个？过客逗留过，留下回忆，再怎么刻骨，再怎么不舍，甚至有时候觉得不会再遇到感觉如此的人，到最后还是走了。 生命中，是真的注定爬得太高只会摔得粉身碎骨。小时了了，大未必佳。

跌跌撞撞，跌倒，站起来，跌倒，再站起来，反反复复，但是每一次都站得比上一次更久。后来往回看，每个当时觉得比自己幸福的人，后来都跌倒了，有些还沉溺在上一次的回忆中，有些回忆太幸福，跌了，就不能再起来。亲情的，爱情的，友情的。爬得太高，跌得更痛，更伤。

而自己远远地在前头看着那些曾经那么羡慕过，曾经那么渴望角色对调的那些人。

跌倒过，痛是痛，到现在或许还是痛。这里有伤口，那里有疤痕。一切不再完美，不再单纯，不再因为谁离开而伤心，亦不再因为谁付出而一阵心动。开始知道谁会留着，谁会走。开始知道自己还有选择，细水长流，一夜美梦。庆幸跌得早，跌得够痛，哭得够伤心。也庆幸回忆不多甜，庆幸哭多过笑，庆幸没爬得过高。

就那些种种，今天才站得起来。歌利亚的脚步声渐渐退去，为大卫的欢呼声越来越兴奋。

如果有一天再次跌倒了，你站得起来吗？还是你会发现原来你从来没从上一次的回忆醒来过？

It is Time. Wake Up.

It is kinda hard to believe that there are actually some people out there, envying the way i live my life. The way i care less, the way I always believe it is going to be so so so okay in the end, the way that I always have the best luck in the crowd, the way that I am a very forgetful person, the way that I always still manage to get all things done last minute, regardless of the fact that I am always the last one to start to work.

Like the gift as well, I like myself being forgetful, I like myself to always remember everything will definitely be okay in the end.

Still,
are you done with giving yourself another excuse for procrastinating yet?
are you done spending your last dime to please your inner vanity of your materialistic wishes yet?
are you done building castles after castles in the air yet?
Must you whine anymore instead of getting your butt up to work yet?

Am I? Must I?

It is just so the time, to stop being a puerile grown up. Some mistakes, some excuses are only meant for teenagers. Nothing comes free, though some come with a free trial period. After the period, everything you do not work for, everything you wish dropping from the sky, everything you used to take for granted, will be taken away.

Then, regret shouts in vain.

♛

for those who are still traumatized by Disney Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus' performance on MTV Video Music Award 2013, i just wish to remind you guys she used to look this pretty and gorgeous.

God bless you, Miley.

洋葱

忘了 什么都忘了
有一份心情 摆得久了 以为自己已经忘记了 却在每个失眠的夜想起
不能向谁倾诉 不能要人了解 
夜很深很深 心很酸很酸
有人说 时间可以冲淡一切
但是在我说 时间不是冲淡一切 而是给了生活更多更阔的宽容期 让它慢慢填满 慢慢覆盖你不愿意面对的伤心
把伤心遗憾通通埋进心里最深最密的那个地方
因为时间不能倒流 它能帮助 你能寄托希望于时间的 也只不过是那段宽容期
到吹起大风的时候 你越陷越深 看到过去 看到遗憾
那些说不出口的话 听得到吗

“如果你愿意一层一层一层地剥开我的心 你会发现 你会讶异 你是我最压抑最深处的秘密”

一个人•两份情

我想我也有温柔的时候
这时候的你 有没有那么一点希望在你身边的是我
是你限制了我
回不去的曾经像是夏天里的烤烫芋头 那么香 却不是对的时候

我想我也有霸道的时候
这时候的你 吹着冷冷的冷气 有没有那么一点想起我温温的体温
是你心疼我
捉得紧的珍惜像是冬天里的温暖毛衣 那么刚好 也一样实在

Teapot Robot

went to early graphics class today. so pek-cek with malays late habits pfff. we officially started our class at 9am when he said last time 8am. why dont you fucking just tell we will start at 9am? i could have grabbed one more hour in bed.
drop the topic. today lecturer asked us to create our own robot. the atmosphere is always getting more tensed and tensed through the end of the class because we all know that lecturer is so going to bombard us with tough programming homework. today, robot. i couldnt recall how i programmed those all moves, knees and elbows and head and body. i was so amused with the final outcome of my robot. HAHAHHAHAHAHAH i can move his arms and legs separately with keyboard keys. but what happened to the head? lol!

i called him Teapot Robot. :D

i cannot understand why must you act that way.

and this is not disapproval, i just wish you could be more concerning.

飞机 飞机 飞机 飞机 :(

秋天

当初的那些已经不在了
放弃与退后
若不是她唤起 那些埋葬的记忆我也会永远埋葬下去
永远存在 但被淹没
你送的玫瑰花还留在我的过去 花瓣一片一片覆盖了你给我的秋天
永远都只是等待的祈求的秋天
告诉自己有时候该停下来听一听
那些日子已经远了

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

zero make-up (except eyebrows) photos

hard to believe it right? my friend's shooting skill is so good that i look like i wear makeup in every of her shoots. pffff!

i went back to nature look again because im so freaking lazy for makeup except for Sunday mass

i even need to think twice whether i have the time to shit before i go for that LOL

yeah im THAT busy zzz

oh eyebag haunts me and my boyfie said my dark ring is so fugly

yours sangat bagus meh?! LOL

 

我该怎么笑呢？

不管我怎么笑 你都看穿我的心事

你的名字 我的心事

我的心事 你的珍惜

WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA

dear little friend

Dear Patrick,

STOP STALKING ON BLOGS ANYMORE AND SIGN UP A NEW FREAKING FACEBOOK ACCOUNT!!
its so hard to get to you nowadays.

love and indomitable,
limyi.

考验 试炼

今天牧师的讲台信息是 考验的信心
我们每天都面对考验 神的考验
考验你对祂到目前为此的安排 到底是抱有多大的信心
是顺服 还是被逼接受
他说
你有没有想过 或许你现在所面对的问题也是一种神信心的考验
看看你会不会因为一点事情 就对周围的人事物感到心灰意冷 感到神不祝福
看看你是不是能够成长 还是就只不过是如此
但是其实祂只是借着考验想你更进一步
想你改变
因为祂知道 人面对太多压力 人 事 物 都会感到疲惫
因为祂知道 不是每个人都会越挫越勇 有些人会想放弃 轻言放弃

你有没有试过尝试 ‘永不放弃’ 的时候？
那时候 不屈不挠的精神 虽然参杂着泪水与委屈 但是却坚持 因为你知道神是同在的
频频的试验让你觉得你有些时候应该休息 偶尔也放放弃 松懈下来
那个时候 你是不是忘了 放弃又可能会错过神安排的美好人与事物？
那个时候 你是不是忘了 行走神的道路是该时时警惕？
神考验亚伯拉罕的信心 应许赐下儿子 甚至应许他的后裔如满天的星星 如海滩的沙
要知道 神应许亚伯拉罕时 亚伯拉罕已经75岁 亚伯拉罕妻子 萨拉已经65岁 根本在现在医学来说老早失去生育能力 更别说75岁才开始应许 还未赐下
等到以撒的出生 亚伯拉罕已经100岁了
在以撒长大时 神又试探亚伯拉罕要他将以撒以献祭的方式献给祂
考验不是一天两天的事 是以年计算 甚至是一辈子
神考验以色列人在旷野40年才得以进入加南美地
如果现在说放弃 那我们以后都会继续放弃放弃 直到我们见主面的日子吗

我很多功课 做不完做不完的 教会的事奉也开始频频加到我的时间表
我开始疲惫
这篇牧师的讲台信息来得真是时候 像雨后太阳
永不放弃 我知道到最后 我一定是得着最多的那个

神的祝福必如东升的太阳

那么你呢
放弃 还是 交托？
别忘了 当你在接受考验时 神仍然在你左右
有神同在 胜过任何考验

我的孩子 难道你忘记了我就是爱

没有事情事情 是太早或是太迟 :')

♛

i just think, its never easy, yet to mention the many chances that we might miss, to come to the one-in-the-million person, who is truly, and only meant for you.

♛

有一天，心问眼睛：“如果你难过，你会怎么办？”

眼睛说：“我会哭，哭红哭肿，直到把眼泪流干。”

眼睛问鼻子：“如果你难过，你会怎么办？”

鼻子说：“你哭的时候，我也和你一起难过，我感觉酸酸的。直到你哭完，我才能痊愈。”

鼻子问耳朵：“如果你难过，你会怎么办？”

耳朵说：“我可以听悲伤的歌曲，也可以听朋友的劝告与鼓励。”

耳朵问嘴巴：“如果你难过，你会怎么办？”

嘴巴说：“我的办法最多，我可以吃好多好吃的东西，也可以拒绝吃任何东西；我可以用烟酒来麻醉自己，也可以向其他人诉说。还可以，借别人的嘴唇来给我安慰。”

嘴巴又问心：“为什么要问这个问题呢？那么如果你难过，你会怎么办？”

心说：“因为我现在很难过，可是，我除了疼，没有别的办法忘记难过，我这颗心里，装满了回忆，甜蜜的，痛苦的，我这颗心里，装满了思念，虽然我知道我不该再思念。但是，我就是没办法忘却，怎么办呢？”

如果心难过，它该怎么办？

我的心啊 你承受得住吗 :(

♛

to dean,
my gay boy, ily :D