How does it feel, when you get something you exchange the whole world for? It comes silently, without any sign and when you realize, it is already there. Or is it a big surprise, which nearly gives you heart attack of trimph? And you never know you can be so thrilled to have it. What is it? A birthday surprise? A puppy pet? A friend visiting you from miles away? An iPhone? Food vouchers (lol)?
How does it feel, then, when you lose something you wish the least to be gone? You pray so hard, asking God to see through you, how strong is the desire, your faintest prayer for it to stay. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you have nobody to tell because nobody can understand why you want it so much. You ask for too much, you forget. When it is gone, maybe you will doubt why doesn't God answer your prayers, you have already prayed with everything you have, or why, are your friends not praying together with you? Why can't they understand?
The very last time I felt so miserable was when I thought God was dead. That was quite a few years back. But then things somehow happened and I revived. I am even stronger than before when I was already firm. And I never feel hopeless every again. Never ever again. I guess this is the most valuable lesson that I learnt over the years, there is always hope. I am not saying that I don't feel losing anymore, I do, I still do, what is different now is that I know at that point, it is not the end. Yet.
I guess I am doing fine. Of course there was a period of time I was afraid to be left alone. Nightmares always come knocking when somebody is alone. I felt insecure still and I longed for accompany every second of those days. Couldn't really sleep well, food tasted nothing. I knew I was just going through a period and I knew it was going to be fine, but still, I just needed somebody there. There were not many, but suffice.
Losing is not really losing, if you know it is not the end.
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