我愿意

a few years ago i fell in love with a song 我愿意 by Fay Wong. like totally.
i never understand why because im not always the kind to really into a song for months.
i remember jun told me she couldnt understand why i like the song too because of the lyrics 我无力抗拒 特别是夜里 喔~ 想你到无法呼吸
miss you till cant breathe ah! lololololol

songs come and go and never had one stayed like the song did.
ive long heard it but i re-heard it on a Christmas night back in 2008.
i wept like a baby hearing the lady singing the song up the stage.
 now i know you guys thinking like, what? its just a pop song!
yeah that thought struck me too. but i just cant help.

and then today, this morning, while i was preparing for my praise and worship songs on the coming Sunday, i googled, youtubed the songs which will be sung on Sunday and i came across this youtube video.



and then its like finally.
i understand why. a letter from God, never forget me.

back in 2008, if you guys still remember my creepy past LOL, i fell out of love.
hes just like a marijuana.
i was so miserable that time and i didnt understand how could a boy make me into a zombie, walking, breathing without life.
even Christmas couldnt cheer me up. not a bit.
i could not see, could not hear, could not come up with anything.
was blank.
and today, after ive stood back up, i can see, it is so damn obvious, that God is telling me things.
stop hiding, stop crying, I have something, someone, everything, everyone, better for you.
i couldnt see, i just couldnt that time.

i had a really really really hard time trying to forgive myself for my mistakes to anybody, anything. its even hard to convince myself that God will forgive me for the mistakes.
i knew He certainly would, but its very hard for me to persuade myself that way.
everything was my fault. everything, even the leaf withered and fell down from the tree, its my fault.
._. why did i have that thought?
but its true. i was so tiny that time. seeing things the darkest side. just like a marionette, hanging by the threads dominated by some other people.
and of course, i was away from God, i thought i didnt, but i did without conscious. He didnt leave me but i pushed Him away.
awww bad me.

but its never too late.
ill not say any 'If-s', because if the ifs really do exist, i wont be sitting here blogging right now.
lol did i just say if? haha never mind that.
sad things went on and on and on, ill skip that here, until one day i was on my knees in a camp, telling God : take me fly. this time i wont look back nor carry the past burden with me when youre taking me soar.
and holy, not long after the praying, i swear i can even describe it as flash, i met my boyfie now ._.
haiya, should have made that prayer earlier ma! lol

ive done so many mistakes, so many loopholes in my life, but then,
what do those matter now?

lets listen to the song lagi, my favourite song hehe.

if you think im still not over you yet, you are right. but things are so much different now.